Last week there was an awesome day where I had my hand on her knee, sliding slowly up her leg, willing her not to stop me before I got there, when the kid Ellen banged on the window and shouted some bullshit telling us to come out ‘cos we had to go shopping. She couldn’t see in, but it meant Lucy got straight up out of the settee and ran over to push aside the net curtain and tell her we would be out in a minute. She turned around and smiled sheepishly, and then she bit her lip saying sorry like she wanted to continue, grabbed my hand and took me outside.

Sunny day. Ellen stood on the path with traffic roaring behind her, her face all smiles for her friends. We walked to the bus stop, I stayed quiet – I don’t think I even said hello – while Ellen and Lucy talked about girl stuff, looked at their phones, traded text messages and who sent who what. Lucy let go of my hand for a minute to look through her bag for a brush, but a minute later, as soon as she realised she wasn't holding it, she grabbed it back again. We boarded the bus and paid. Nearly all the seats were taken, so we sat towards the back while Ellen had to sit further forward. She couldn’t talk to Lucy, so I had her to myself. All kinds of older people filled the bus, jobless or having days off they were all going to town, just like us. Still, to them we were special like kids not at school – I don't think they knew how old we were, the way adults always assume an 18 year old is 16 or 17, so their eyes trailed after us as we got on. Those behind us watched the backs of our heads as we kissed quietly. I put my hand back on her leg for a while, where the patterned skirt met the smooth skin. She grinned nervously, put her arm around me and hugged me sideways.

She asked, “What do ya want to buy in town, or look at?”
I said, “Just some DVDs or CDs. What do you need?”
“Gonna look for a winter coat, or maybe an autumn jacket, and maybe a pair of shoes, black ones.”
“You don’t have enough?”
“I’ve never got enough!” She said, “I buy shoes all the time.”
“How many pairs have you got?”
“Last time I counted – I think last year sometime? – I had 65 pairs, but most of those are at home.”
I swore, she reprimanded me.
“When I did bar work I used to get my weekly pay and go spend half of it on a new pair of shoes, each week. Well, nearly always.” She clenched my hand to a fist and smiled a lot, grinning happily, shiny eyed.
I obviously smiled back, very happy, kinda.

We realised the bus had just gone past our stop, and Ellen had gotten off without us, I got a glimpse through the back window of her brown coat and blonde straightened hair. A forty-something man on the back seat glared at me until I flicked my head round wishing I hadn’t seen him and made eye contact. Strange folk on buses, I never trust them. We pressed the buzzer and pushed our way quickly to the front, through the standing passengers, and got off at the next stop. Ellen laughed after we walked back up to the main road to meet her. Practical joke, “Very good Elle, very good”. They laughed.

Ellen and Lucy hooked back together and dragged me along. We got to the crossing point and pressed the button. We waited and Ellen started talking again, leaving me out of the conversation. It was about hair. I wished we'd stayed on the bus and just gone round in circles kissing. Then Ellen changed the topic to boys and Lucy looked at me a few times while she said what she liked and didn't like and what this guy did and how this other guy was an asshole when she was 15, but I wasn't listening much. I hated it when Lucy just talked with Ellen and paid no attention to me. What was the point in the three of us coming out anyway? This is what always happened, for the last few weeks since I met Lucy they'd always be together and Lucy would have me along with her. If I didn't go she'd get pissed off, so I always went. I wished Ellen could just fuck off to some other uni.

We started crossing the road and a big 4x4 that was stopped at the line suddenly rolled forward towards us. Ellen was closest, facing Lucy, and the 4x4 rolled right into her. I couldn't do anything, there was no time. The metal bars knocked her forwards; Lucy grabbed at her and then the chassis was on top of Ellen, her arm falling under a wheel. The 4x4 kept on coming and in slow motion it crushed her arm and smashed her face into the metal bars at the front as she turned and gaped. I had to grab hold of Lucy to at least get her out of the way. I jumped back, pulling her. The 4x4 stopped suddenly in the middle of the crossing. We laid on the ground panting with our eyes wide and looked from place to place, wondering what had just happened. The driver got out of the car and went round to see Ellen, who had just started screaming. There was blood seeping out of different bits of her. My hands were scratched from the tarmac where we fell. The driver started crying as he pulled at Ellen's free arm to get her up, as if he thought she'd be fine, would walk off and not call the cops. Bless Lucy 'cos that was her first reaction – no crying and no drama, just pulled out her phone and called the ambulance and then the cops straight after. I think it was that which saved Ellen's arm.

There were a crowd of people gathering very quickly, and Lucy and I were sitting by Ellen trying to calm her down, while the driver 'helped' by crying uncontrollably on the floor next to us. Ellen's right arm was hanging by a thread of broken bone and ligament, the skin partly ripped off and blood flowing out of the bandage Lucy and I made quickly by ripping the arm off her top. Ellen's face was covered in little scratches and her jeans were ripped over her red knees. It was difficult to look at the arm but the rest of her was going to be okay.

Later, in the hospital, Lucy started crying. I thought it was great the way she cried on my shoulder, hugged me and then kissed me. I thought this would get me what I wanted. And later it did! I said all the right things so Lucy thought I was really sensitive to Ellen's horrible injury, and then we kissed and kissed and I found an empty private ward with a bed. We sat down and hugged in the dark for a while, then we started kissing again and it happened. It was amazing. It was the happiest moment of my life.

Lucy's parents arrived to offer sympathies, while Ellen's were still on their way from Wales. It didn't matter to Ellen I guess, since she was in the operation room with the doctors. She was in there for a while and we waited. Lucy's folks sat by Ellen's bed when she came out of the operation – they knew her almost as well as Lucy – and then they even cried a bit when they saw her arm all bashed up, ready,the doctor said, to be removed, which made Lucy cry again. They said they were checking the tests, but that they were gonna have to remove it. I was about to get Lucy to come with me for a 'hug' again, but then Lucy's dad suggested we head out for something to eat. When we were at the restaurant and they were talking about how unfortunate it was, and how sick it was, and how the driver was some kind of evil guy, I felt a kind of sick feeling in my stomach. I thought about Ellen's  injury and how I wanted her out of the way. But I guess it was just the gore – all that blood – and it soon went away when I thought about what I was going to do with Lucy when we got back.

We left the restaurant and Lucy placed her head on my shoulder as we walked behind her parents. We walked slowly down the street.
'You know, I would do anything to help Ellen,' she said.
'Yeah.'
'I mean, It's just not right, just unfair, you know?'
'It's such a tragedy...I can't think of anything worse.' I was thinking about Lucy skin on mine.
'If only there was something we could do, you know? Somehow...I don't know, just to help her, get her arm back.' I wanted to help Ellen, for Lucy's sake, but I could only think of Lucy really.
'But the doctor's all said it was hopeless, the' – and she cringed as I said this word – 'crushed humerus. They – well – you know.'
Her whole face tightened up and I felt tears going through my shirt. Great.

We crossed the road to the car park, Lucy's parents already on the other side. We stepped between a couple of white vans. There was a little rain, little droplets splashing and the orange street lights everywhere in the air. A car was coming at us. I realised then that we had stepped out in front of the car and it did not have time to stop. I could see only the orange glare off the windscreen, and hear the skid.

I realised I had some dribble at the side of my mouth  and moved my hand to wipe it away. I wiped but it was still there, and I uh, couldn't feel my hand on my mouth. I wiped the back of my hand on my mouth. Same thing. Ah. I realised, I opened my eyes and my parents were there. And Lucy was there. She was all red and puffy faced. She didn't look too good. My mum was at the window looking out. My father was half asleep in the waiting chair. Lucy went out into the corridor without saying anything to me. I had already realised, but when I looked at my missing arm I got a real pain in my chest that went down to my stomach, like a giant blister of phlegm moving through me. I almost threw up, my eyes were burning, but my head was real empty, I felt like a watermelon rind. Lucy came in with a doctor and his nurse. The doc coughed loudly enough to wake my dad and bring my mum from her daydream. They all came around me, sitting on the bed with their hands under their bottoms. The doc was closest with his glasses and beard. I could see bits of dandruff in his hair.

'Hi Matthew. My name is doctor Evans. I was the one who patched you up. I guess you see what's happened. Do you remember anything?'
'Uh...I got run over?'
'That's right. Yes.'
Mum started crying, the sap.
'And you lost a lot of blood. But you will be alright now.'
'What about,' I tried to shrug my shoulders, realised something was a little bit missing.
'Yea, well I'll tell you straight out. The car hit you and caused a great deal of damage to your shoulder and collar bone. There was nothing we could do to save the shoulder joint. The whole joint was smashed. We had to remove the arm. But, Matthew, there are many programmes to help you with this. There are a lot of good people who will help you, you'll get a new arm and you'll be able to use it like before, only with some limitations.'
'An artificial arm?'
'Yes that's right, I'm afraid.'
He spoke some more about these magical people with the arms. I listened, more than a little out of it. Still full of morphine, I think. Eventually he left and my parents went outside to cry some more. Lucy sat on the end of the bed. She didn't come any closer. I wanted to grab her, but I would've just hit her off the edge.
'Hi Matt.'
'Hi.'
'How are you?'
I was fairly sure I had no idea, 'Okay.'
'You saved my life Matt,'
'Oh.'
'You pushed me out of the way and took the whole car on. I couldn't believe it!' I heard the lump in her throat. My heroism was going to be well known!
'Ellen's going to be okay,' she recovered her voice.
'Really, huh?' Ellen, Ellen, she was always talking about god damn Ellen.
'Yeah.' her head faced the window, she brushed her hair behind her ear.
'The doctor, I thought he was going to tell you.'
I waited, confused.
'I thought, well I don't know why he didn't, but he was gonna say that because of your arm they could use part of it to do something, like in Ellen's arm? They took a bit of bone and it fit in Ellen's. And he said something else. He said,' she gulped, her eyes searching upwards for the words the doctor used, 'that you were a compatible donor...you know, they could use your arm to help put Ellen's back together. Isn't that amazing?'
'Right –' I said, right.
'So she's going to be okay!'
'Good.'
'But. Well, I can't help thinking It's all my fault.'
I was agreeing with everything anyone said; the doctor, Lucy. I don't think my parents said anything but if they had done I wouldn't have argued. I felt pretty down and all, but mostly I was happy for them. They were nice people. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep for a second or two, 'Yeah, I guess,' I said. I wished I could have Ellen's shoulder, but I didn't think it would fit. Girly shoulder.
'I think, because, well, I made a prayer when we were walking, I said I wished there was something that could help Ellen. Anything at all I could give to help her.'
I was tired.
'And I guess, I think that's why this happened. I'm so sorry. I wished I could exchange anything I had, I was thinking weird, and I thought I wish I could swap you for her, god, I'm so sorry!' She brushed her hair back again, I saw.
'Yeh.' Shit.
'Matthew? I think I'm going to stay at home for a while, you know, to figure things out? I'm feeling really guilty about this, It's hard just to tell you.'
I felt pretty asleep.
'So I don't know what it will be like when I get back. I'll try and visit you!' She said too enthusiastically, 'And Ellen will too. But I think we should have time apart to figure it out. This has been a big thing, you know?'
And then she left. What a bitch.